This is not the subject matter that I prefer to write about but I am so emotional about this that I had to put it into written, not spoken, words.  I can’t speak the words out loud of how I feel, I know that I would open my mouth and there would be no sound.  My written words pale in comparison to the emotion I feel.

Yesterday, I read the letter of the rape victim that was violated by the Stanford swimmer, Brock Turner.  I am having such a difficult time gathering my thoughts.  My first thought was what I wanted to do to Turner.  I’ll spare the details but it far exceeded the violence that he inflicted on his victim.  I can’t even put the rage I feel into words.  Immediately, my thoughts went to his victim.  I was moved by the amazing courage she displayed by exposing her heart and soul to the world.  She gave all victims of rape a voice.  While it may have been her story, I felt as though she spoke for all victims of sexual violence female and male.  As I read her words, I felt as though I were sitting next to her and I wished I could reach out and hold her hand just to let her know I care.  In my mind’s eye I see the angels that surround her and pray they will help her find comfort and some joy in her life.

Immediately upon reading her letter, I thought of the two people so close to me that were victims of sexual assault.  My heart burns…..  I thought of what I want to do to their assailants and what I want to do to Brock Turner pales in comparison. My victims did not have 2 brave Swedish men, angels, to chase down their attacker.  One of them knows their attacker and the other does not.  I don’t think it makes any difference in how they feel. It takes everything in my power not to seek revenge.  I never wanted to face the reality of how they feel but I know, in my heart, that is how they feel, exactly the way that courageous young woman feels.  I pray every day, that the face that haunts their dreams starts to fade until it disappears.  Do either of them know how often I want to reach out and just touch them, to let them know I am there.  The young woman’s letter to Turner now puts words to a conversation I have not had the courage to have with either of them.  Do either of them have any idea how much I admire them for their strength and courage.  Do either of them know that I would do anything within my power to take away their pain? I know who the angels are who protect them as they attempt to heal.

​All I can do is pray….

• ​ If you try something, you may fail and that’s ok.  You automatically fail if you never try.
• If you choose to participate in something, you also choose the good and the bad and don’t whine about it.
• If I was treated unfairly in a situation, they didn’t always tell me how they truly felt.  They taught me how to deal with it.
• Use your inside voice.
• Don’t compare yourself to anyone.
• You may be afraid to try something but don’t let that stop you.  You may miss out on the greatest joys in your life.
• I didn’t always need to hear that I was loved, I always knew.
• I didn’t always need to hear how proud they were of my accomplishments, I just knew.
• They taught by example.
• Shut up is a bad word.
• It is ok to be silly no matter what your age.
• You only get to have a pity party for so long and then you need to move on.
• Your business is your business.
• Never ask someone how much they make, it’s none of your business.
• Never tell anyone what you make, it is none of their business.
• A home where people wanted to gather and has nothing to do with money.
• Lessons in life are learned from more people than just your parents. 
• People should be treated with respect.
• Offer to help people.
• Please and thank you go a long way.
• True family is not defined by blood, it is defined by love and support.
• Good food makes people happy.
• If you are ticklish, quit laughing, they’ll stop.
• You never realize the true impact you have on people, so act accordingly.
• Surround your children with a strong village of people that can help teach them the lessons of life.
• You can do anything.
• Happiness is created not by what you have in your life but by who you have in your life.

As I made my list, I realized that I need a refresher.  I need to reexamine the lessons I learned.  I was and am so blessed to have amazing parents and an amazing village.

My children are moving to new phases of their lives.  Instinctively my initial thought was “have I done enough to prepare them for their journey”.   My answer to myself was to look at all the things I felt I didn’t do or more importantly didn’t do right.  Why do I always go there…..what I didn’t do.  Why do I think it rests on what I did or didn’t do?  Why don’t I look at the amazing people they have become?

I realized that it takes a village, not in the literal sense of a village but the village of people and communities that made up their lives.  I believe my children learn their sense of self from the village.  During the past two weeks, I have thought a great deal about two of those people.  From the outside, people might think they are just a coach but those people are so much more.  They taught my children life lessons….things don’t always come easy, it takes hard work and dedication to achieve success, that often more can be learned from failure and loss than by winning.  They saw tough love as well as unconditional support.  What I know in my heart is that these people find great joy in my children’s accomplishments and they truly love them.  My children are blessed to have so many of those kind of people in their lives, the ones who choose to love them.

​Yes, I did prepare them for their journeys.  I did what my parents did for me and gave them the most important thing I could:  I gave them a truly amazing village.

Some days when you think you are on an even plain, the world, the past, the present just come rushing in and your world gets turned upside down.  Today I was reading Facebook posts and realized that a friend was beginning her year of firsts.  She just experienced her first birthday without her Dad.  She is just beginning her 365-day journey.  My heart aches for her.  I wish I could give her pearls of wisdom that would make this journey easier.  Sadly, I have NONE.  I was struck by something she said…she cried and then she laughed.  Maybe I do have one, as time goes on you laugh and then you cry.  You laugh because you feel them with you and you cry because you don’t.
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I am in the time of year where I lost two of most important people in my life.  My friend’s post made it so real today.  While I try not to focus on the day but my body knows, my heart knows.  I find such joy in my memories.  Often I find myself laughing out loud.  The sadness comes in knowing there are memories that will never be.  It makes me sad for me, the people who cared deeply for them and the people that never had the opportunity to really know them.  I find great comfort in knowing that I feel them with me, laughing, crying, supporting and guiding me.  OK, maybe I have two pearls of wisdom…allow yourself to feel them.  They are there.

Early this week there was a day where several stones in my path were going to be uncovered. I put out a simple request for a prayer to those who are in my soul and received responses instantly with no questions asked.  Those wonderful women give me such strength, comfort, unconditional love and support.  They don't judge, they tell me the truth (even when it might be difficult to hear) and I feel their love daily.  At the end of the day, they checked in to see if I was ok.  Again, no questions just support. On that day, I received some words from the other half of my soul who told me "plan your dive and dive your plan".  Over the past couple of months, I've had several things that have smacked me in the head...Choose joy and now, "plan your dive and dive your plan".

I am amazed that how words that seem so simple can be so profound.  Now it is time for me to put on my big girl pants and plan my dive.  I see it more right now as a checklist, because that is kind of how I see the world.  I know that it will have to be fluid and will contain many items that will contribute to my joy.  It is time to put air back in my tank instead of having it continually sucked away.  As with any dive you have your team and I know they will be right beside me putting air in my tank and helping me maneuver my plan.